Monday, October 4, 2010

The Solitary Corner Under the Stairs...

Reviews and thoughts on horror by Carey Copeland


Jay Lee
Jenna Jameson
Robert Englund
Roxy Saint
Penny Drake
Whitney Anderson
Jennifer Holland
Shamron Moore
Jeannette Sousa
Carmit Levité

In a near future, President George Bush has been just elected for the fourth time with his vice Arnold Schwarzenegger and the USA is in war against many nations, among them Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, Venezuela, France and Alaska. To make up for the loss of troops the government is creating a virus to reanimate dead soldiers and reactivate their brains, to build an army of undead. The virus effects men and women differently and gets released in a Sartre, Nebraska lab. The men turn to mindless zombies and the women turn into lucid zombies and a special containment team of badasses, The Z Squad, must take care of the viral outbreak. Once again, it sounds like Resident Evil and the awesome Steven Seagal movie, Against the dark. One of the badasses, the soldier Byrdflough, is bitten by a zombie and afraid of being killed, he escapes to the underground Brademus strip-club owned by Ian Esco. This guy is starting to look bad and dies due to the virus. Guess what happens? Wait for it. Wait for it. He becomes a zombie!!! This zombie takes a chunk out of the star of the club, Kat. She becomes a lucid, thinking zombie. A zombie stripper. Kat spreads the virus, turning her colleagues into zombies and eating the flesh of their clients. The whole time this is going on, Ian is still running a strip club. The clients are now dying to see the “zombie strippers.” The strippers are ravenous for the attention and begin fighting amongst each other for their tips. As the clients are turned into mindless zombies, the ladies take them down to a holding cell. I’m not going to tell you how the zombies escape or even how they are subdued, I will tell you that this movies isn’t as bad as the name implies. I actually enjoyed the movie because of it having Robert Englund and and getting to see Tito Ortiz run off like a little bitch. Check the movie out, it’s worth watching on cable or free on demand. This movie was even nominated for an award in 2008, The Golden Trailer Award for the ”Trashiest Trailer”.

976-EVIL (1988)

Robert Englund
Brian Helgeland, Rhet Topham
Stephen Geoffreys
Patrick O'Bryan
Sandy Dennis
Jim Metzler
María Rubell
Lezlie Deane
J.J. Cohen
Paul Willson
Greg Collins

Back in the 80's we had awesome movies because we were teenagers and the make-up technology was created by hand. Watching this movie in my 40's now has me wondering,”What the hell was I thinking?” Don't get me wrong, it was a good movie...For it's time. I had forgotten about the 976 numbers(not really. I had a running account with 976-abby which was a sex line). I was a teenage boy, what can I say. This movie was about a little mouse of a boy named Hoax and his friend Spike. Hoax was the kid that got swirlies and was victimized at school. Spike was the one that got laid all the time and was cool, like Fonzie. Hoax was the target of a demonic force that had a 976 number. When you called this 976 number you were given a horror-scope that was pretty much like a friend double dog daring you to do something. With Hoax having had enough, he starting gaining advice from the horror-scope and began retaliating. He first tried to gain the love of Spike's love toy and was humiliated by the tyrannical bullies that made Hoax's life hell. They found a pair of panties in his pocket and they weren't his. Sounds like an episode of Maury. They ain't mine baby...I found them when I was looking around in my friend's room. Torn and battered, Hoax calls for his demonly advice and is given demonic power. The next day, he is caught in the bathroom and the two bullies that are there are given a dose of the demonic smackdown. This time they are screaming like bitches, not hoax. Hoax is now looking kinda Michael Jacksonish, or at least I think he is, and he's ready to take on everybody that ever tormented him. Spike is wise to the 976 number and the fun begins. Spike tries to get Hoax not to kill people and the demonic 976 number wants him to, so you see where that's going. I loved the make-up effects in this movie because they were done by Kevin Yagher. Kevin was the one that designed and applied Freddy Kreuger's make-up. OH! Did I mention that there is a nod to my most favorite old movie. NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. That makes the movie watchable. Ok, I liked the movie so go watch it. It's good for the movies of the 80's.

976-EVIL II: The Astral Factor (1992)

Jim Wynorski
Erik Anjou, Rick Glassman (story)
Debbie James
René Assa
Patrick O'Bryan
Philip McKeon
Leslie Ryan
Rod McCary
Paul Coufos
Karen Mayo-Chandler
George 'Buck' Flower

Where to start. The movie sucks. The make-up is good and the Spike character is back. This movie has Philip McKeon. That's like having Antonio Sabato or Casper VanDien. A college professor has the hots for his TA and finds a card for a 976 number. He calls and gets his “horror-scope” and is given dark advice about how to get his “ultimate” piece of ass. Demonic professor chases girl. Biker badass Spike helps girl. Demonic professor kills Spike. Spike kills professor. Girl lives happily ever after. The make-up was good, not great and the acting was hohum. It's got Philip McKeon for Christ's sake. Don't waste your time unless you like S&M because you will be tortured.

--Carey Copeland