This month, I watched a couple not-so-classic horror films and one classic 80s cult favorite that every movie fan must see...
AGAINST THE DARK (2009)
Directed by Richard Crudo. With Steven Seagal, Tanoai Reed, Jenna Harrison
Oh Jesus Christ!!! Where do I start? I used to like Steven Seagal back when he did “Good” movies like the ones from the 80’s and early 90’s but damn dude, go back to New Orleans and be a cop. His acting has taken a major shit dive. Steven seems to be a good cop and a half way decent musician but that’s about it. Director Richard Crudo should have changed his name to Alan Smithee for this movie.
Anyway, the story goes like this. Resident Evil like virus turns the population into flesh eating blood drinking creatures. A bad assed group of human hunters lead by bad ass Tao go after the zombie vampires or are they vampire zombies, hell, it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t make the movie any better. Enter, an abandoned hospital crowded with the infected creatures and six non-infected survivors and guess who has to save them…anybody..anybody.. That’s right!! Bad ass Tao and his group of bad asses. Watching this movie makes you forget about Blade. Tao is Blade and Bruce Lee rolled up with Chuck Norris boots on. Just kidding. Wesley Snipes would be rolling over in his grave if he saw how bad this movie was. (he would commit suicide) To top everything off, they only have a short time to find and save the survivors because the military is going to sanitize the area, you know the way. BIG BADDA BOOM!!! And they make it. Never saw that coming. Oh!! I forgot. Tao has a sword too and he knows how to use it. Heads flying and impalements and stuff. If you absolutely have to watch this watch it with a buzz, it might ease the pain.
LONG TIME DEAD (2002)
Directed by Marcus Adams. With Joe Absolom, Lara Belmont, Melanie Gutteridge
A group of British college students who all live together decide to go to the club one night. After a long night of drinking and drugs they decide to make a homemade Ouija board out of a piece of discarded glass and post-it notes. Using a glass as a pointer, they all place their fingers on the pointer and the fun starts. They begin asking questions and Liam begins having flash backs from his youth. Everything is fun and games until the board starts spelling out "All Die.” Liam freaks out and trashes the board before closing the link to the spirit world. Unknown to the group, an ancient evil is unleashed and starts killing off the group one by one…EVEN LUKAS HAAS! The only way to send the demon back is for everybody that helped to summon it to die. Liam is having flash backs more often now about a ritual that happened when he was young and decides to visit his father in an asylum. His father has encountered this demon before. His friends are being stalked by a demon called a “Djinn” pronounced “gin.” The djinn starts picking off the kids one by one but they all have a commonality in death, they have severe burn marks. I don’t want to give away too much of the plot but the land lord of the apartment the kids live in is far too familiar with what’s going on. Is he an ally? The movie is predictable but it’s not bad. I saw it on cable and would probably rent it if given a chance. The acting was good and the story wasn’t unique but it was entertaining.
HOWARD THE DUCK (1986)
Directed by Willard Huyck. With Lea Thompson, Jeffrey Jones, Tim Robbins
Extraterrestrial life form, Howard, a duck the size of a small human man, is unknowingly brought to Earth through a laser beam in an experiment being performed by a Cleveland physicist Dr. Walter Jenning, and his assistant Phil Blumburtt. Howard winds up in a Cleveland, alleyway where he rescues and quickly befriends singer Beverly Switzer from a group of thugs. Because of Howards blatant escapades and several near death experiences because of his smart ass remarks, the government is told about Howard and the fun begins. Beverly helps Phil and Dr. Jenning hide Howard from the authorities until they can get him back home. While Beverly and Phil are trying to keep Howard hidden, Dr. Jenning goes back to the lab and has a disastrous accident with the laser and an evil being known as a Dark Overlord arrives through the laser beam and takes possession of Dr. Jenning’s body. Phil, Beverly and Howard arrive at the lab after the accident. The government and authorities show up and Dr Jenning, Beverly and Howard escape from the lab however Phil isn’t so lucky. Dr Jenning starts a transformation putting Howard, Beverly, and Phil in a fight for their lives to get Howard back home and the Dark Overlord banished. Howard isn’t a bad movie. It’s one to watch if nothing else bad is on. The special effects are great for that time. We had stop motion animation in the 80’s not CGI. I guess the effects were great because of ILM doing them. After seeing this movie you have to ask yourself, “What the hell was George Lucas thinking?” I guess he needed a break from Goddom (is that a word? Like stardom only God like)
AND YES, HOWARD HAS WON SOME AWARDS…… 4 wins & 4 nominations
1990 nominated Razzie award Worst Picture of the Decade: Gloria Katz
1987 won Razzie award Worst New Star: “The six guys and gals in the duck suit"
1987 won Razzie award Worst Picture: Gloria Katz
Tied with Under the Cherry Moon (1986)
1987 won Razzie award Worst Screenplay: Willard Huyck, Gloria Katz
1987 won Razzie award Worst Visual Effects
1987 nominated Razzie award Worst Director: Willard Huyck
1987 nominated Razzie award Worst Original Song: Thomas Dolby
Allee Willis, George S. Clinton
For the song "Howard The Duck"
1987 nominated Razzie award Worst Supporting Actor: Tim Robbins
End Credits Music Montage
--Carey Copeland
